2M To 22
There are two things that I am worried every moment these days: him and the future I imagine with him. It is our sophromore year of university, and the future that once was too far away to imagine now came knocking on our doors. The love which I wanted to come later in my life, came just too early breaking my so called life ‘plan’. Now I realise, I was still a child, wandering around the world, seeking someone to make me mature. And now I found him, now we have each other, but there is not plan B. We need plan, we need plan B.
Wise people say that there are opportunities everywhere and every move I make in the next moment create the path, solutions, or even more problems that I have to solve. Maybe that’s the reason why I sincerely believed if only I can plan thoroughly all my next moves, my future will be predetermined and calcualted, no big changes in the flow. I thought I should be prepared for my future, and I wanted to believe I was mature enough to follow ‘flexible plan’ that I built for myself.
However, I now know, I am not. The fact that my decisions started to depend on momentary emotional upheavals, my tendency to value the present moment to the more valuable moments the future might offer implies I am still not mature enough to handle the life rationally.
The life is literally the emotional roller coaster.
If you enter roller coaster unprepared, not checking all safety belts, not wearing your helmets, or not meeting the physical and emotional standards, there is a high chance that the roller coaster ride can be the regretful experience which can cost you your life, your health. You can fall out of the roller coaster, tossed into the air, bump your head, or even get to have untreatable trauma. Full adult life is much scarier than roller coaster.
So if you go into life, with little preparation, with little safety preparion, then there is a high chance that your experience will be night mare. I do not want it turn out to be like that. One high day, one pleasant feeling, one immature excitement can lead me to open the wrong door and make a rush movement. I can make a sacrafice of my rationality, I can leave out my fears and run into the future full of unkowns and dangers. And yes, I do think sometimes such decisions might lead to great outcome, but I find it diffucult to remember that there are also number of incidents that showed how it can lead to a disaster.
I am too young, emotionally. I want to grow up and its time to grow up. I reach for a chocolate, and finish it at once. I start a movie and cannot stop when I needed until I finish. I harbor hatred and quite could not let go of my jealousy. I was not able to master forgiveness and seek revenge for those whom I believe caused me harm. I am still young, but want to grow up and toss all these childish behaviours into the trash bin and carry them away far and far away.
I shared my thoughts with him yesterday, he respected them admirably. He agreed with me. He supported my opinion. He wanted to create a plan together: The plan B and said he want to part of it. He said he already made his life decision and he will not take it back no matter what happens. He assured and reassured me of his honesty and reliability. And lastly he said he will allow me to take the lead.
When midnight approaches, something strange happens in the mind. Especially when I am with him, as the night grows deeper, the intimacy grows stronger. Topics get sincere and our bodies touch more.
That night, we were talking and talking, leaning on each others shoulders.
He said he wanted to kiss me… I was shy, but I could not hide I wanted it too. It was again, not my plan. I wanted it slow, my rational mind needed slow phase, but my heart wanted things fast, it told me just do what you want, or it might be too late.
I allowed him to kiss me and I kissed him… Everything became so tranquil, but lively at the same time.
I wanted to ask him more.. about the things that only purest of lovers can give each other.. the gift that each of us has and can give it to only one person in their life time. I wanted to ask whether still he have that.
He already had in his my mind what I wanted to ask him.. and I asked he answered..
He still had it. I gave him my answer too.
Then we reached to an agreement… that we have to wait even longer… and prepare our selves more fuller to the future together… and then exhange our gifts..when we are ready to become real adults.
University life was not enough to make me mature, but I think trying to control relationship, can make me mature. Rationality and emotions are playing their turns and my full life is at stake. I have to learn how to balance them, to survive this ordeal. If my emotions win over, I cannot fulfill my aspirations, if my rationality take over, my heart will leave me forever.
In seek of balance, let me become an adult….